Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..