Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
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Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Morning.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*