If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
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My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Pot warmers of the day.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.