Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
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No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.