According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
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Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her