My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
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I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.