Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum