I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.