If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…