Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
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Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Sorry not sorry.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
u spoke cat all this time??????
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today