When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
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Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is