This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
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Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.