Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
The two types of wives
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
What even happened today?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.