To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
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… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.