Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
You Might Also Like
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”