Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
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Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.