Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
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Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”