I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
You Might Also Like
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
O Wise One….
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.