A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
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[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
The first matador
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.