Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
how high up are we talkin’?
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase