“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
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Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me