My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
marvel comics have peaked