I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.