Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
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I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
#growingpains
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
uh oh
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
You are what you delete.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality