aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
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Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”