[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
You Might Also Like
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
The symmetry is uncanny.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?