In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
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Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”