Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
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“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”