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Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me