To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
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[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
IT’S-A ME,
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
*updates tinder bio*