If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
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just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Every. Damn. Time.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
The “baby” on the left….
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world