I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
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Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.