Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
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“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
79.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon