My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
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Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
dads on road-trips be like
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Baller is short for ballerina
.. do you even science?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?