it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
You Might Also Like
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Weighing up my bread heating options
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.