Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
You Might Also Like
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.