yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
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Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.