Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
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Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
#SuperBowl
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.