Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me in tagged photos
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Ion see the issue
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better