Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
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I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END