I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
You Might Also Like
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
*skinny dips into black hole
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.