by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
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WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)