I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
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So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!