the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
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[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.