Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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Genius idea!!
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.