In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
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A great tip. #CakeRex
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!