Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
This is my brand.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.