Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
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Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.