I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
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There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
when you don’t want to be too vague
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
getting corrected
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.