I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori